Tuesday, February 13, 2024

New Middle Child Super Bowl Conspiracy Uncovered!

          I’m sure you’ve all heard by now about the latest Super Bowl conspiracy theory where Taylor Swift is part of a left wing plot to sway the 2024 election. Or maybe you’re aware of the Super Bowl logo color conspiracy theory. But after last night’s thrilling (or scripted depending on how much of a conspiracy theorist you are) 25-22 overtime win by the Kansas City Chiefs, I have uncovered a far more sinister scheme that’s gone unnoticed for at least the past two decades!
          Analyzing the game through the distorted lens of a Middle Child, I’ll admit I wasn’t shocked to watch a first born QB, the Chiefs' Patrick Mahomes, defeat a Middle Child QB, the San Francisco 49ersBrock Purdy. I mean, the Middle Child always gets the short end of the stick, right? (And I’ll put aside for the moment any discussion of the incredible irony of Purdy earning the title “Mr. Irrelevant” for being the last player chosen in the draft. What could be more Middle Child-ish than that?)
          But then I dug a little deeper. It turns out the winning QB of last year's Super Bowl, also Mahomes, defeated yet another Middle Child QB -- Jalen Hurts of the Philadelphia Eagles
          Hmm? That’s interesting. Could there be a pattern here? I had to go back to Super Bowl LIV (2020) to find the next Middle Child QB to play in the big game, and wouldn’t you know it – Middle Child QB Jimmy Garoppolo of the 49er’s lost to, you guessed it – that Middle Child beating Mahomes.
          That's right: three Middle Child QB’s have played in the last five Super Bowls, and they've come out on the losing end every single time! This can’t be a coincidence!! So I went back and analyzed the results and birth order of the QB’s in the last 20 Super Bowls. Yes, I have a lot of time on my hands. The results are shocking!
          Over the course of the last 20 Super Bowls, there have only been two times a Middle Child QB was victorious against a non-Middler!1 There were two other times MidKid QB’s were actually facing each other, so a Middle Child had to win.2 But that doesn’t count! Beating up on each other doesn’t mean as much. I mean, getting the ring is nice. And all that money. And the attention. I wouldn’t mind all that attention. But still, nothing could be better than a Middle Child actually stealing the spotlight from a first born or last born on the biggest stage for a change. 
          Clearly, the NFL does not agree. 
1. Aaron Rogers over Ben Roethlisberger, SB XLV (2011); Peyton Manning over Rex Grossman, SB XLI (2007)
2. Peyton Manning over Cam Newton, SB 50 (2016); Russell Wilson over Peyton Manning, SB XLVIII (2014)
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Tuesday, October 31, 2023

Hauntingly Horrible Middle Children

          In the spirit of Halloween, it only seems fitting that I strike a decidedly darker tone with this post. It wouldn’t be the first time. In year’s past, I’ve posted about two of Hollywood’s scariest Middle Children: Leatherface, the only character to appear in all nine “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movies, and Michael Myers, star of the “Halloween” movie franchise. The mere mention of those Mid Kid’s names can send chills down the spine, but frightening as they are, they’re not actual hauntingly horrible human Middle Children. They just play ones on the big screen.
          But not to worry. I didn’t have to search very far or wide to find some horrifyingly despicable real life Middle Children. Throughout history, we’ve had more than our fair share. In fact, some of the most frighteningly evil people of all time were Middle Children. Just check out The Top Tens list of “The Top 10 Most Evil People of All Time.” Six out of ten on the list were living, breathing, real-life Middle Children! Well that’s just swell. As if trying to improve our reputation wasn’t already hard enough. And just listen to the names of the Middle Children on that list. It’s like the Heinous Hall of Fame. A real Who’s Who of horror.
The Wrath of Khan:
one scary Middle Child.
          In no particular order, the list includes genocidal Deutch bags Adolph Hitler and Heinrich Himmler, mass murdering terrorist Osama bin Laden, and brutal dictator Kim Jon-il. There’s also some real OG villains on the list, like Genghis Khan -- one of the most brutal and murderous leaders the world has ever known, responsible for the deaths of as many as 40 million people. After one particularly gruesome massacre, the piles of his victim’s bones were mistaken for mountains. He once disposed of an enemy leader by having molten silver poured into his eyes and ears. That’s one scary, pissed off Middle Child.
          Of course, you don’t become such a deeply feared and twisted figure overnight. His murderous ways can be traced back to his youth, when Genghis killed his half-brother for not sharing his food with him. Even from the grave, the Great Khan remained a deadly force. To keep his burial place a secret, he left instructions that everyone involved in burying him was to be killed.
Vlad the Impaler:
he staked his reputation on brutality.
          And let’s not forget Vlad the Impaler, another maniacal Mid Kid who makes the... cut. Over the course of his lifetime, it’s estimated he was responsible for the deaths of more than 80,000 people – mostly by, well… do I really have to say? His blood thirsty ways are said to be the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula. But if these chart-toppers aren’t enough to make you lose some sleep tonight, there’s also serial killing Middle Children like John Wayne Gacy, and “The Green River Killer,” Gary Leon Ridgway.
          Of course, this all flies in the face of what the experts say is our inclination to be diplomatic, peacekeeping types, eager to avoid conflict. 
          But you never know. Bwahhhhhhhhh! 
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Thursday, September 14, 2023

Middle Child Tears Achilles, Gets SO MUCH Attention.

          Monday night was a bad night for Middle Child Aaron Rodgers. Very bad. But his illustrious 19 year NFL career has been mostly very good: a 4-time league MVP (two of them back to back), 10 Pro Bowls, Super Bowl MVP, almost 60,000 yards passing, 475 touchdowns, plus he set a slew of records
          Deservedly, he’s been awarded for his on the field accomplishments with the kind of attention mere mortal Middle Children would die for. But he’s also done a great job drawing attention to himself off the field. From breakups with celebrity girlfriends and alternative COVID-19 treatments to darkness retreats and sipping hallucinogenic psychoactive tea,  he’s certainly no stranger to the limelight. Still, there’s one kind of attention even the most desperate Middle Child tries to avoid: medical attention.
          Well, most of the time.
          I mean, what self-respecting Middle Child hasn’t thought about inflicting some minor bodily harm just to get a little attention? Or at least faking it. You know, like wearing a finger splint when you were a kid for no particular reason. Taping your fingers together. How about a superfluous sling? Or maybe donning an unnecessary ace bandage for a fake ankle sprain. If you were really convincing, that might even get you some crutches! Ooooh. Crutches always get attention.  
          When I suffered my very own honest-to-goodness serious football injury when I was younger (a severely dislocated pinky), it required surgery and a hospital stay! SO MUCH ATTENTION!!
          Of course, it was nothing compared to what Aaron Rodgers is going through.
          But please don’t tell anyone. 
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Monday, August 28, 2023

Is Threads the New Middle Child of Social Media?

          Threads, Marc Zuckerberg’s “Twitter Killer” app, was born on July 5 and welcomed into the world in a big way. Within a day it had over 30 million users. New app downloads surpassed 150 million in less than two weeks, making it the fastest-growing social media platform in history. As of today, there are an estimated 125 million Threads users. That’s pretty impressive for the new baby of the social media family. But to be honest, that 125 mil is chump change compared to sibling social media platforms like Twitter X, with over half a billion users, and Instagram, with more than two billion users. And while Threads came out of the gate red hot, since its launch there’s been a 20% decline in active users. The time people spend on the app is tanking too, down to around six minutes -- less than a third of what it was during the first week. It sure looks like people aren’t paying as much attention to Threads, which makes it feel less like the adored baby and more like a forgotten Middle Child.
          Truth be told, there’s a bunch of other social media apps you’ve probably never even heard of that have more active users than Threads, which might not sound like good news, but I guess the flip side is at least you’ve heard of Threads. So that’s a start. Any Middle Child would be happy to at least be recognized, even if they don’t get much attention. 
          As I’m always sympathetic to the plight of any Middle Child (human or not), I have welcomed Threads into my own social media family, along with Twitter X, Instagram, and the granddaddy of them all, Facebook. I was actually surprised that I was able to get the same handle on all four platforms: @midkidunion Then again, I guess I shouldn’t be. I mean, who else would want it?
          As you can see however, I’m not so sure I’m qualified to assess the popularity of this new platform -- I have a whopping 0 followers on Threads. Not at all what I needed after suffering through another demoralizing Middle Child’s Day. (SEE PREVIOUS POST)
          So here’s what I’m asking: follow me on Threads to take a look at life through the distorted (and possibly cracked) lens of a Middle Child. (But just in case this whole Threads thing doesn’t pan out, you can also follow on Instgram and Twitter X!)
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Sunday, August 20, 2023

A Post-Middle Child’s Day Breakdown (Emotional and Otherwise)

          FULL DISCLOSURE: yes, that was me in a previous post  getting overly excited about Middle Child’s Day 2023 falling on a Saturday. I figured since it was a weekend, there was no good reason for people not to celebrate. Sure, I had high hopes, but I must’ve just been high because my prediction of a “Saturday Surge” ended up to be more like a Saturday slump. I guess I didn’t figure into the equation the fact that people would have to be aware it was Middle Child’s Day before they would celebrate Middle Child’s Day. Ooops. Mea culpa. My bad. 
Middle Child's Day 2023: All talk, no action.
          Oh, it’s not like I didn’t try to get the word out. Believe me, I tried. I spoke with radio stations all across the country. Richmond was a riot. (LISTEN) Hartford was a hoot. (LISTEN) I even made my pitch all around the world Canada Calgary – all to no avail. There was no flood of requests for membership to the International Middle Child Union. Traffic to the blog was hardly bumper to bumper. And #middlechildday didn’t even trend on the social media platform formerly known as Twitter. I guess X doesn’t always mark the spot.
          Am I disheartened? Sure. Am I disillusioned? You bet. But am I ever going to give up on my quest to raise awareness for Middle Child’s Day? You wish. Rejection and disappointment were the cornerstones of my upbringing. Being a Middle Child all these years has prepared me well for the rough road ahead. As I continue my uphill battle for Middle Child’s Day recognition, I’m reminded of the immortal words of Chumbawamba: “I get knocked down, but I get up again, they’re never gonna keep me down.”
          It's only less than a year ‘til Middle Child’s Day 2024!!

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Wednesday, August 9, 2023

2023 Middle Child's Day Gift Guide

          Over the years, my annual Middle Child’s Day Gift Guides have mostly featured Middle Child themed novelty items – everything from Middle Child mints and soaps to Middle Child wines and beer. But this time around, I’m taking a different approach. This year’s collection features gift ideas that scream, “Hey, look at me!” These gifts can help the Middle Children in your life attract the attention they so desperately crave. Because after all, to a Middle Child, that’s the greatest gift of all. (Most gifts available on Amazon for easy delivery by Saturday!)
A FLARE FOR ATTENTION: Misplaced your Middle Child, again? They’ll be hard to miss when they’re waving a highly visible signal flare. Order on Amazon 
LISTEN UP: Many Middle Children always feel like no one is listening. Problem solved! With this 20 watt megaphone, they’ll never complain about being ignored again. Order on Amazon.
TOP BILLING, AT LAST: let the Middle Child be the star of the show for a change. Put their name in lights with a customizable sign. Order on Amazon.
WIGGING OUT: Don King, Nicki Minaj, and Donald Trump are just a few of the well-known Middle Child celebs who know a crazy haircut is the shortcut to getting attention. Order on Amazon.
TAKE CENTER STAGE: Middle Children are tired of living in the shadows of their siblings. Give them a chance to be in the spotlight. Literally. Order on Amazon.
             ATTENTION GRABBING GARB: this collection of designs
            has attention seeking down to a tee.
                 Order on Amazon                                                  Order on Amazon

               Order on Amazon                                           Find an exclusive collection of 
                                                                                      Middle Child gifts and apparel
                                                                                         at the Smack Dab Shop.

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Monday, August 7, 2023

NEW Middle Child's Day Greeting Cards!

          Barbie gets the Dream House. Barbie gets the cool car. Barbie gets to be an astronaut, a doctor, even President. It’s always Barbie, Barbie! And as if that wasn’t enough, Barbie gets the number one grossing movie in the world!!
          Being one of Barbie’s middle siblings has never been easy, but with the spotlight shining even brighter on big ‘sis, now it’s harder than ever. That’s why this year’s collection of Middle Child’s Day Greeting cards is dedicated to all the Middle Children in the Roberts family living in Barbie’s shadow. If I forgot any, that would only be fitting.
(Click on image to enlarge. Right click to e-mail.) 

See the entire collection of Middle Child's Day Cards: 
- 2023 Middle Child's Day Gift Guide!
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Friday, August 4, 2023

The Joke's On Us: Part 2

          Being a Middle Child is no laughing matter. Okay, maybe it is a little. Middle Child's Day is a week away, and with it comes the mandatory Middle Child mockery. You know, “It’s Middle Child’s Day. But nobody cares!” Or “It’s Middle Child’s Day? I forgot.” How original. Hardy har har.
          In an attempt to preempt all the not-so-funny funnymen and women, I’ve assembled a curated collection of comedians – all certified certifiable Middle Children themselves. These MidKid stand-ups won’t stand by while others make fun of us. They are taking matters into their own hands, sending a powerful message to the world: we can do the job very well ourselves, thank you.


NOTE: Nate Bargatze is NOT a Middle Child, but his bit is so funny, I just had to include it.

Who’s the funniest in the family? Read “The Joke’s On Us” 
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Wednesday, August 2, 2023

A Smack Dab Barbie Flashback

         The Barbie movie is a global smash! With Middle Child's Day fast approaching, I thought it would be a good time to revisit this post about Barbie’s middle siblings: Check out “The Sad Saga of Barbie's Middle Siblings: a Smack Dab Investigative Report.” 

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Sunday, July 30, 2023

What If Dr. Suess Wrote a Middle Child Book?

          This is not my first Suess-related post. Back in March 2018, I posted a birthday tribute to Theodor Suess Geisel (a.k.a. Dr. Suess), like me also a smack dab Middle Child. Recently, I was reading one of his stories to one of my grandchildren and I got to thinking, “What if Dr. Suess wrote a story about a Middle Child?"
          I wondered how that would go, and with Middle Child's Day just around the corner (August 12), I figured now would be a good time to find out. So I channeled my inner Suess, and came up with this…

The Joke's On Us (Part 2)” 
Middle Child comedians poke some fun at... Middle Children!
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Monday, July 24, 2023

Get Ready for a Middle Child's Day "Saturday Surge"

          This year, Middle Child’s Day (August 12) falls on a Saturday, and as the world’s leading only Middle Child advocate, I have two words for restaurants and bars around the world: stock up! Yeah, I
know Middle Child’s Day usually passes unsurprisingly unnoticed. Every year following Middle Child’s Day, I share my disappointment with the world. But I have high hopes for this year. After all, it’s a Saturday night! There’s no work or school for most people the next day, so I figure everyone has the whole day and night to celebrate.
        Look, I’m not going to make excuses for the lackluster enthusiasm for our eponymous day in years past. But there’s been rain, flooding, high winds, wildfires, bad air quality, and global warming -- not to mention a worldwide pandemic!
          Unrealistic expectations aside, despite a history of low interest for Middle Child’s Day, I remain unwavering in my belief that this year will be different, which is why I’m urging proprietors to be prepared for a Saturday surge of MidKid revelry. I even have a few thoughts for a Middle Child’s Day menu. Maybe a ‘middle cut’ ribeye or strip steak? Or how about a Middle Child twist to a Martini or Manhattan? Just add some extra bitters. 
NEXT ON THE BLOG:  "What If Dr. Suess Wrote a Middle Child Book?"
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Monday, July 17, 2023

How Far Would You Go to Get Attention?

          As Middle Child’s Day approaches, I thought it would be a good time to ask a question that I’m sure every Middle Child has at least one good answer to: What’s the craziest/dumbest/most desperate thing you ever did for attention? Now, before I go any further, I want to be clear that this isn’t a question only Middle Children can answer. After all, we don’t have a monopoly on trying to get attention, even though we’re pretty darn close. Everyone has exhibited some good ‘ol Middle Child attention seeking behavior at some point in their lives, so we all can play along. I’ll go first…
          For as long as I can remember, I found making someone laugh was a great attention-grabbing tool. As a child, and as a grown ass man for that matter, I still find it very effective. There are those who would say I would do almost anything for a laugh (a.k.a. attention). In particular, I always got great pleasure out of making my younger sister laugh. Maybe because it was so darn easy -- she thinks everything I say is funny, even when I’m being dead serious.
          I remember one time when we were kids, we were in the back seat of my parents car on a long ride home. My sister and I were sharing a box of raisins. My older brother probably had a box of his own. I don’t remember why, not that there’s ever a good reason, but I was suddenly consumed by the overwhelming need for attention. So while my sister was looking out the window, I took two of the raisins and placed one in each of my nostrils. Seemed like a good idea at the time, and boy did it work. My sister had a fit of hysterical laughter. In fact, she was laughing so hard, it got me laughing.
          In hindsight, it would’ve been so much better if I had breathed out instead of in when I started laughing, but I wasn’t used to having raisins in my nose and was so caught up in the euphoria of all the attention I was getting, I wasn’t considering the anatomical consequences of my actions. I’ll spare you the gory details, but let’s just say raisins are much less painful when they enter your digestive system through your mouth rather than your nose.
          Lesson learned. 
          (FULL DISCLOSURE: This probably wasn’t even the most outrageous thing I did to get attention. More like the one I was least embarrassed to admit!)
          Here’s a clip from comedian John Mulaney’s most recent Netflix special, “Baby J” (it was great, by the way), where he shares a pretty dark childhood plan he had for getting attention...

          Okay, so now it’s your turn. Share your most ridiculous attention-grabbing scheme by commenting below, on Twitter @midkidmusings, on Facebook at the I.M.C.U. page, or if you feel like pissing off Elon Musk, on Threads @midkidunion. Winners will receive some attention. What else?
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