A Middle Child's Day Reminder That's Just What the Doctor Ordered...

DON'T FORGET! 

MIDDLE CHILD'S DAY IS AUGUST 12!!

 

Coming soon to the blog:

RARE FIND: inaugural cover of “Middle Child Digest” magazine.

“Middle Child Syndrome? There's an App for That!”

PLUS more...

 

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Finding the Perfect Date for Middle Child's Day.

          Are you a Middle Child looking for the perfect soul mate to share Middle Child’s Day with? Then steer clear of an only child! At least that’s what some experts suggest in a recent post by PureWow.com Associate Editor Marissa Wu. These experts say an only child would be the “Worst Choice,” because only children need lots of attention which could be a problem for a Middle Child. Gee, ya think!?! Look, I don’t want to hear another word about only children needing attention. Please. Like they don’t get enough from their parents already? An only child gets tons of attention by default. There’s simply no other sibling to give it to. Lucky bastards. A Middle Child, on the other hand, has to scratch and claw for every bit of attention we get -- which still isn’t enough. I really hate to sound like a Middle Child, but NO FAIR! Only children don’t need any more attention, especially from me, thank you. Besides, needing attention is our thing, so back off! 

          I have to agree. Dating an only child sounds like a bad idea. But who then? An oldest child doesn’t even get a mention, which is probably a first. We’ve got two viable options, the experts say. Another Middle Child could work. I mean, misery does love company, so maybe they’re right. Or they suggest we try to find us a youngest child who might add what they call “a playful edge.” I’m not exactly sure they mean by that. Are they saying Middle Children aren’t fun? That we’re too bitter and easily angered? Because if that's what they're saying, it really, really, pisses me off.

          I actually think there really is no “Best Choice” for a Middle Child, but more like a “Least Worse Choice.” All things considered, we’re probably better off celebrating Middle Child’s Day alone. 

 

DON'T FORGET! 

MIDDLE CHILD'S DAY IS AUGUST 12!! 

 

Coming soon to the blog:

“Middle Child Syndrome? There's an App for That!”

 NEW Video Version of “What if Dr. Suess Wrote a Middle Child Book?”

PLUS more...

 

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Is Middle Child Syndrome About to Get Even LESS Attention?

Can't a Middle Child Get a Break?:
a Break?: Now they're stealing the 
spotlight from our namesake syndrome!?

          Well, it appears the impossible has happened: our lowly status in the birth order pecking order has reached a new low. “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” is the new syndrome on the block, stealing away what little attention was given to our namesake syndrome. In case you haven’t read about it in the New York Times or heard about it on the Today Show, Eldest Daughter Syndrome is a term used to describe “the unique pressures and responsibilities placed upon the oldest daughter in the family,” according to Kati Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Her TikTok video titled “8 Signs of Eldest Daughter Syndrome” has been viewed more than 6 million times. Yes, Middle Children, EDS is all the rage. It’s even got it’s own acronym, so you know this is a serious threat!

          I know that in the past I have bemoaned being burdened with our very own syndrome. “Why us,” I’ve asked. Oldest and youngest siblings have their own set of common characteristics, I've argued. How come their birth order traits didn’t get a syndrome? Look, while nobody wants to have their very own syndrome, when you’re a Middle Child you take what you can get. The truth is, over the years I’ve developed a special relationship with our syndrome. OUR syndrome. So yes, as much as it may suck, now that another birth order group is actually claiming one for themselves, I am fully exercising my Middle Child contrarian rights to cry “non aequum.” No fair!!

Pity the Poor Eldest Daughter: all that attention
and adoration! Let me get my violin out!!

          Playing the Middle Child Syndrome card was always our ace up the sleeve. Our siblings got all the attention and love, but we got our own syndrome. Sure, it was a booby prize, but it was something they didn’t have. Or want. Can’t we even have that to ourselves anymore? They need one, too?? Seems pretty greedy, if you ask me. Besides, for years our siblings have been discrediting Middle Child Syndrome by minimizing the toll it has taken on us. “It’s all in our heads,” they’ve told us. But now that one of them has some issues, suddenly birth order syndromes are a legitimate thing?

          Clearly I’ve got some issues with this Johnny- come-lately syndrome. Being the eldest daughter means you were either the first girl born in the family or the first born outright, right? Am I to believe the first daughter isn’t overloaded with perks and privileges? Not to mention attention. Give me a break! This also means there are instances when the eldest daughter is also the youngest in the family. My little sister was the eldest daughter. She was the first and only daughter and the baby in the family, and she gets her own syndrome? F*** me!! 

          Meanwhile, our syndrome is totally based on not getting enough attention, and now it has to fight for attention with a rival syndrome!? It’s the ultimate irony. Trust me, the last thing we need is to get into a syndrome competition with our siblings. We all know who will come out on the losing end of that one. 

          I’m warning you, look out Middle Children. They’re coming for our syndrome. (And if you’re a Middle Child you know who “they” are.) While I could not find any reputable attorney to issue a cease and desist order, WE MUST STOP THIS MADNESS before every other birth order starts claiming a syndrome for themselves. What next... Youngest Son Syndrome? 2nd Born Left Handed Blonde Syndrome?

 

 

          

          Holy crap, it’s happening already!!!  As the founder of the International Middle Child Union, I cannot understand how I was not reached for comment about this new alleged syndrome. Oh wait, yes I can!

          Once again, the Middle Child is overlooked. 

 

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Middle Child Extinction: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

          As if the emotional roller coaster of being a Middle Child wasn’t already enough of a wild ride, here we go again…

          Way back in 2013, I first raised concerns about Middle Child extinction in a post titled “Are Middle Children an Endangered Species?” Sure enough, five years later, my worst fears were confirmed as talk of the impending demise of the Middle Child went viral. New York Magazine published a piece called “The Extinction of the Middle Child.” I wrote about it for a second time on this blog in a post titled “Our Middle Child Days are Numbered.” I also addressed this new threat in my first (and only) International Middle Child Union “State of the Union Address.” I even talked about the crisis on the Today Show. Things were not looking up.

          But then, a glimmer of hope? A report from Pew research suggested maybe a comeback was on the horizon. To paraphrase Mark Twain, it appeared as though reports of our demise had been greatly exaggerated.

          Whew! Oh happy day!! That was a close one. We live to fight another… oh crap.

          Just when I thought we were out of the woods, it appears our reprieve has been -- revoked. A recent CNN headline screams:

 

“GLOBAL FERTILITY RATES TO PLUNGE IN DECADES AHEAD, NEW REPORT SAYS.”

 

          And the prognosis is dire. According to the study, the average number of children born to a woman in her lifetime has gone from 4.84 in 1950 to 2.23 in 2021. By 2100, it’s predicted to drop to 1.59! That’s well below the minimum needed to preserve our ranks. We’re a dying breed, my friends.

          Look, I hate to be the Middle Child who cried wolf, but honestly --how many times in a lifetime should we have to face the threat of extinction?

          Not that anybody cares.

          I guess we’ve finally found the cure for Middle Child Syndrome. 

 

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Middle Child Memories: My Kosher for Passover Birthdays

          Not every year, but far too many for my liking, my birthday has fallen on Passover. I’m bringing this up now because, well, it’s almost Passover, and this is one of those years. As an adult, this doesn’t matter much to me anymore. But as a child -- especially as a Middle Child – this was a very big deal. And not the good kind of very big deal.

          Before this goes any further, I need to provide some context. If you’ve been following this blog, it should be abundantly clear by now that I have serious Middle Child issues. If the fact that I felt it necessary to create a blog to document the trials and tribulations of my unfortunate birth order position wasn’t enough to convince you, then perhaps knowing I also founded the International Middle Child Union to help raise awareness of our plight should seal the deal. Also, for the purposes of this post, it’s important to know that I grew up in a Kosher household, which means every Passover we dined on special Kosher for Passover plates and only ate Kosher for Passover foods for all eight days of the holiday. Regrettably, it also meant that on the years when my birthday and Passover collided, I had to have a

Kosher for Passover birthday cake.

          Now, here’s something you need to know about Kosher for Passover birthday cakes: they are not very good. Even the “good” ones are not very good. A “good” Kosher for Passover birthday cake just means it’s not awful. This is not just some distorted Middle Child memory of mine. I am not alone in this belief. One review of Kosher for Passover desserts observed “It can be hard to bake desserts that are unleavened and still taste good,” and “many Passover foods taste stale even when they are fresh.” Another critique noted that Kosher for Passover desserts “often taste like they’d been abandoned in the dessert for 40 days and nights.” Still another declared “Passover desserts are not known for being delicacies. How could they be? What kind of baked goods are made without flour?” It further suggested that “Passover is a

good time to try to skip desserts.” The particular dessert being reviewed was described as “seven layers of yellow cake made from potato starch so, yes, these layers are quite dry.” And this was written about a cake the reviewer actually liked! So you see what I had to deal with?

          To be clear, I don’t believe any child, Middle or otherwise, should be subject to such indignity on their birthday. But if I'm being totally honest, it somehow feels even worse when you're a Middle Child. Just one more example of how once again my siblings somehow got the better end of the deal, and I got screwed. My brother and sister got to celebrate their birthdays with marvelously moist feasts of frosting, but no such birthday cake love for me. No fair! I had to just smile and suck it up as I choked down each arid bite of some nut laden concoction I would’ve been more than happy to just, yeah… pass over. 

   

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Middle Children Snubbed at 2024 Oscars!

          All the statuettes have been handed out and the Red Carpet has been rolled up. Now it’s time to talk about who got the Middle Child treatment this year from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. For months now, all everyone’s been talking about are the two big snubs: “Barbie” Director Greta Gerwig was overlooked for Best Director  and no Best Actress nomination for Middle Child Margot Robbie. Of course, Margot should be used to this. After all, when it comes to being snubbed, who knows better than a Middle Child? And this year, Hollywood’s biggest night did not disappoint.

          The 96th Academy Awards were truly a Middle Child Snub-fest. Not a single winner in the four acting categories was a Middle Child. I guess that shouldn’t come as a big surprise when you consider out of the 20 nominees in those categories, only three were Middle Children: Colman Domingo (“Rustin”),  Sterling K. Brown (“American Fiction”), and Emily Blunt (“Oppenheimer”). That’s a measly 15%! Talk about being overlooked and underappreciated.

          The truth is, on Oscar night you don’t have to be a Middle Child to get a taste of what it feels like to be a Middle Child. Take Martin Scorsese, for example. His “Killers of the Flower Moon”

had 10 nominations and zero wins. And that’s not the first time Marty went 0-10 on Oscar night, either. It’s actually the third time. Yikes. “Gangs of New York” came up short 10 times in 2002, and “The Irishman” did the same in 2019. Oh, and “The Wolf of Wall Street” went 0-5 in 2013. And what about Bradley Cooper? His second film as a director, “Maestro,” went 0-7 this year while his directorial debut, “A Star is Born,” didn't fare much better at 1-8. Bradley has also come home empty handed each of the 12 times he was personally nominated. Ooof.

          So I suppose if misery loves company, at least we’re in pretty good company. 

 

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New Middle Child Super Bowl Conspiracy Uncovered!

          I’m sure you’ve all heard by now about the latest Super Bowl conspiracy theory where Taylor Swift is part of a left wing plot to sway the 2024 election. Or maybe you’re aware of the Super Bowl logo color conspiracy theory. But after last night’s thrilling (or scripted depending on how much of a conspiracy theorist you are) 25-22 overtime win by the Kansas City Chiefs, I have uncovered a far more sinister scheme that’s gone unnoticed for at least the past two decades!

          Analyzing the game through the distorted lens of a Middle Child, I’ll admit I wasn’t shocked to watch a first born QB, the Chiefs' Patrick Mahomes, defeat a Middle Child QB, the San Francisco 49ers’ Brock Purdy. I mean, the Middle Child always gets the short end of the stick, right? (And I’ll put aside for the moment any discussion of the incredible irony of Purdy earning the title “Mr. Irrelevant” for being the last player chosen in the draft. What could be more Middle Child-ish than that?)

          But then I dug a little deeper. It turns out the winning QB of last year's Super Bowl, also Mahomes, defeated yet another Middle Child QB -- Jalen Hurts of the Philadelphia Eagles. 

          Hmm? That’s interesting. Could there be a pattern here? I had to go back to Super Bowl LIV (2020) to find the next Middle Child QB to play in the big game, and wouldn’t you know it – Middle Child QB Jimmy Garoppolo of the 49er’s lost to, you guessed it – that Middle Child beating Mahomes.

          That's right: three Middle Child QB’s have played in the last five Super Bowls, and they've come out on the losing end every single time! This can’t be a coincidence!! So I went back and analyzed the results and birth order of the QB’s in the last 20 Super Bowls. Yes, I have a lot of time on my hands. The results are shocking!

          Over the course of the last 20 Super Bowls, there have only been two times a Middle Child QB was victorious against a non-Middler!¹ There were two other times MidKid QB’s were actually facing each other, so a Middle Child had to win.² But that doesn’t count! Beating up on each other doesn’t mean as much. I mean, getting the ring is nice. And all that money. And the attention. I wouldn’t mind all that attention. But still, nothing could be better than a Middle Child actually stealing the spotlight from a first born or last born on the biggest stage for a change. 

          Clearly, the NFL does not agree. 

 

1. Aaron Rogers over Ben Roethlisberger, SB XLV (2011); Peyton Manning over Rex Grossman, SB XLI (2007)

2. Peyton Manning over Cam Newton, SB 50 (2016); Russell Wilson over Peyton Manning, SB XLVIII (2014)

 

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Hauntingly Horrible Middle Children

          In the spirit of Halloween, it only seems fitting that I strike a decidedly darker tone with this post. It wouldn’t be the first time. In year’s past, I’ve posted about two of Hollywood’s scariest Middle Children: Leatherface, the only character to appear in all nine “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movies, and Michael Myers, star of the “Halloween” movie franchise. The mere mention of those Mid Kid’s names can send chills down the spine, but frightening as they are, they’re not actual hauntingly horrible human Middle Children. They just play ones on the big screen.

          But not to worry. I didn’t have to search very far or wide to find some horrifyingly despicable real life Middle Children. Throughout history, we’ve had more than our fair share. In fact, some of the most frighteningly evil people of all time were Middle Children. Just check out The Top Tens list of “The Top 10 Most Evil People of All Time.” Six out of ten on the list were living, breathing, real-life Middle Children! Well that’s just swell. As if trying to improve our reputation wasn’t already hard enough. And just listen to the names of the Middle Children on that list. It’s like the Heinous Hall of Fame. A real Who’s Who of horror.

The Wrath of Khan:
one scary Middle Child.

 

          In no particular order, the list includes genocidal Deutch bags Adolph Hitler and Heinrich Himmler, mass murdering terrorist Osama bin Laden, and brutal dictator Kim Jon-il. There’s also some real OG villains on the list, like Genghis Khan -- one of the most brutal and murderous leaders the world has ever known, responsible for the deaths of as many as 40 million people. After one particularly gruesome massacre, the piles of his victim’s bones were mistaken for mountains. He once disposed of an enemy leader by having molten silver poured into his eyes and ears. That’s one scary, pissed off Middle Child.

          Of course, you don’t become such a deeply feared and twisted figure overnight. His murderous ways can be traced back to his youth, when Genghis killed his half-brother for not sharing his food with him. Even from the grave, the Great Khan remained a deadly force. To keep his burial place a secret, he left instructions that everyone involved in burying him was to be killed.

Vlad the Impaler:
he staked his reputation on brutality.

          And let’s not forget Vlad the Impaler, another maniacal Mid Kid who makes the... cut. Over the course of his lifetime, it’s estimated he was responsible for the deaths of more than 80,000 people – mostly by, well… do I really have to say? His blood thirsty ways are said to be the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula. But if these chart-toppers aren’t enough to make you lose some sleep tonight, there’s also serial killing Middle Children like John Wayne Gacy, and “The Green River Killer,” Gary Leon Ridgway.

          Of course, this all flies in the face of what the experts say is our inclination to be diplomatic, peacekeeping types, eager to avoid conflict. 

          But you never know. Bwahhhhhhhhh! 

 

CHECK OUT THESE OTHER HALLOWEEN POSTS: 

“The Middle Child Who Made Pumpkin History”

 “Halloween's Greatest Middle Child”

“Top 10 Middle Child Halloween Costumes”

 

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Middle Child Tears Achilles, Gets SO MUCH Attention.

          Monday night was a bad night for Middle Child Aaron Rodgers. Very bad. But his illustrious 19 year NFL career has been mostly very good: a 4-time league MVP (two of them back to back), 10 Pro Bowls, Super Bowl MVP, almost 60,000 yards passing, 475 touchdowns, plus he set a slew of records. 

          Deservedly, he’s been awarded for his on the field accomplishments with the kind of attention mere mortal Middle Children would die for. But he’s also done a great job drawing attention to himself off the field. From breakups with celebrity girlfriends and alternative COVID-19 treatments to darkness retreats and sipping hallucinogenic psychoactive tea,  he’s certainly no stranger to the limelight. Still, there’s one kind of attention even the most desperate Middle Child tries to avoid: medical attention.

          Well, most of the time.

          I mean, what self-respecting Middle Child hasn’t thought about inflicting some minor bodily harm just to get a little attention? Or at least faking it. You know, like wearing a finger splint when you were a kid for no particular reason. Taping your fingers together. How about a superfluous sling? Or maybe donning an unnecessary ace bandage for a fake ankle sprain. If you were really convincing, that might even get you some crutches! Ooooh. Crutches always get attention.  

          When I suffered my very own honest-to-goodness serious football injury when I was younger (a severely dislocated pinky), it required surgery and a hospital stay! SO MUCH ATTENTION!!

          Of course, it was nothing compared to what Aaron Rodgers is going through.

          But please don’t tell anyone. 

 

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Is Threads the New Middle Child of Social Media?

          Threads, Marc Zuckerberg’s “Twitter Killer” app, was born on July 5 and welcomed into the world in a big way. Within a day it had over 30 million users. New app downloads surpassed 150 million in less than two weeks, making it the fastest-growing social media platform in history. As of today, there are an estimated 125 million Threads users. That’s pretty impressive for the new baby of the social media family. But to be honest, that 125 mil is chump change compared to sibling social media platforms like Twitter X, with over half a billion users, and Instagram, with more than two billion users. And while Threads came out of the gate red hot, since its launch there’s been a 20% decline in active users. The time people spend on the app is tanking too, down to around six minutes -- less than a third of what it was during the first week. It sure looks like people aren’t paying as much attention to Threads, which makes it feel less like the adored baby and more like a forgotten Middle Child.

          Truth be told, there’s a bunch of other social media apps you’ve probably never even heard of that have more active users than Threads, which might not sound like good news, but I guess the flip side is at least you’ve heard of Threads. So that’s a start. Any Middle Child would be happy to at least be recognized, even if they don’t get much attention. 

          As I’m always sympathetic to the plight of any Middle Child (human or not), I have welcomed Threads into my own social media family, along with Twitter X, Instagram, and the granddaddy of them all, Facebook. I was actually surprised that I was able to get the same handle on all four platforms: @midkidunion Then again, I guess I shouldn’t be. I mean, who else would want it?

          As you can see however, I’m not so sure I’m qualified to assess the popularity of this new platform -- I have a whopping 0 followers on Threads. Not at all what I needed after suffering through another demoralizing Middle Child’s Day. (SEE PREVIOUS POST)

          So here’s what I’m asking: follow me on Threads to take a look at life through the distorted (and possibly cracked) lens of a Middle Child. (But just in case this whole Threads thing doesn’t pan out, you can also follow on Instgram and Twitter X!)

 

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A Post-Middle Child’s Day Breakdown (Emotional and Otherwise)

          FULL DISCLOSURE: yes, that was me in a previous post  getting overly excited about Middle Child’s Day 2023 falling on a Saturday. I figured since it was a weekend, there was no good reason for people not to celebrate. Sure, I had high hopes, but I must’ve just been high because my prediction of a “Saturday Surge” ended up to be more like a Saturday slump. I guess I didn’t figure into the equation the fact that people would have to be aware it was Middle Child’s Day before they would celebrate Middle Child’s Day. Ooops. Mea culpa. My bad. 

Middle Child's Day 2023: All talk, no action.

          Oh, it’s not like I didn’t try to get the word out. Believe me, I tried. I spoke with radio stations all across the country. Richmond was a riot. (LISTEN) Hartford was a hoot. (LISTEN) I even made my pitch all around the world Canada Calgary – all to no avail. There was no flood of requests for membership to the International Middle Child Union. Traffic to the blog was hardly bumper to bumper. And #middlechildday didn’t even trend on the social media platform formerly known as Twitter. I guess X doesn’t always mark the spot.

          Am I disheartened? Sure. Am I disillusioned? You bet. But am I ever going to give up on my quest to raise awareness for Middle Child’s Day? You wish. Rejection and disappointment were the cornerstones of my upbringing. Being a Middle Child all these years has prepared me well for the rough road ahead. As I continue my uphill battle for Middle Child’s Day recognition, I’m reminded of the immortal words of Chumbawamba: “I get knocked down, but I get up again, they’re never gonna keep me down.”

          It's only less than a year ‘til Middle Child’s Day 2024!!

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2023 Middle Child's Day Gift Guide

          Over the years, my annual Middle Child’s Day Gift Guides have mostly featured Middle Child themed novelty items – everything from Middle Child mints and soaps to Middle Child wines and beer. But this time around, I’m taking a different approach. This year’s collection features gift ideas that scream, “Hey, look at me!” These gifts can help the Middle Children in your life attract the attention they so desperately crave. Because after all, to a Middle Child, that’s the greatest gift of all. (Most gifts available on Amazon for easy delivery by Saturday!)

 

 

A FLARE FOR ATTENTION: Misplaced your Middle Child, again? They’ll be hard to miss when they’re waving a highly visible signal flare. Order on Amazon.  

LISTEN UP: Many Middle Children always feel like no one is listening. Problem solved! With this 20 watt megaphone, they’ll never complain about being ignored again. Order on Amazon.

 

 

TOP BILLING, AT LAST: let the Middle Child be the star of the show for a change. Put their name in lights with a customizable sign. Order on Amazon.

 

WIGGING OUT: Don King, Nicki Minaj, and Donald Trump are just a few of the well-known Middle Child celebs who know a crazy haircut is the shortcut to getting attention. Order on Amazon.

 

 

TAKE CENTER STAGE: Middle Children are tired of living in the shadows of their siblings. Give them a chance to be in the spotlight. Literally. Order on Amazon.

 

             ATTENTION GRABBING GARB: this collection of designs

            has attention seeking down to a tee.

       

                 Order on Amazon                                                  Order on Amazon

               Order on Amazon                                           Find an exclusive collection of 

                                                                                      Middle Child gifts and apparel

                                                                                         at the Smack Dab Shop.

BROWSE PREVIOUS MIDDLE CHILD GIFT GUIDES:

2022 GIFT GUIDE  2021 GIFT GUIDE  2020 GIFT GUIDE  2018 GIFT GUIDE  2014 GIFT GUIDE

 

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