Thursday, March 31, 2022

Middle Child Smacks First Born, and Gets Rewarded!

          In a world where Middle Children don’t get away with anything and usually get blamed for everything, history was made at the 94th Academy Awards.  Maybe you haven’t heard yet, but actor Will Smith (2nd of 4 children) slapped comedian Chris Rock (oldest of 7 children) across the face during the live Oscars telecast -- and actually didn’t get in any trouble! WTF!? I mean, that never happens to a Middle Child. In fact, minutes after smacking Rock, Smith not only received an award, he got a standing ovation! Getting showered with attention after exhibiting some truly outrageous behavior? It’s a Middle Child dream come true!
          Boy, those big shot Hollywood Mid Kids must have it pretty good. According to recent reports, Smith wasn’t even actually asked to leave the theater after assaulting Rock. It was more like a suggestion. So now the Academy is conducting a formal review as they “consider disciplinary actions.” Jeeesh! When I kicked my older brother in the balls for humiliating me in front of friends during a game of basketball, I got grounded for a week. Right on the spot!
           Look, maybe cracking a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s alopecia (an autoimmune disease that attacks hair follicles causing patchy bald spots) could be considered… insensitive. Sure, it was hardly a knee slapper. But it certainly wasn’t a face slapper.
          It just goes to show, you never know what’s gonna make a Middle Child snap. I’ve spent years trying to clean up our image, and no sooner than you can say, “Keep my wife’s name out your f**king mouth,” all of my hard work goes down the drain -- with like, the whole world watching! With the flip of a wrist, the “Fresh Prince” instantly becomes an inductee into the “Middle Child Hall of Shame.”
          I swear, sometimes we’re our own worst enemy. 
 
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Sunday, February 27, 2022

Gone, but...Forgotten

          Recently, I had a tragic, freak accident with my iPhone. I’ll spare you all the gory details and cut to the chase: my phone slipped through that little space between the inside and outside of an elevator and fell 16 stories to an untimely death. I know, I know… what are the odds of that happening, right? What are the chances that my phone would fall at precisely the exact angle needed to fit through that narrow opening? It has to be astronomically high, but on that morning I beat the odds! Lucky me!! Forget the fact that this happened on my way to the airport, leaving me without any way to contact the Uber that never came, by the way. I had to take a… taxi! I had to pay cash, for God’s sake!!
My Dearly Departed iPhone: farewell, old friend. May you rest in pieces.
          Rescuers were eventually able to retrieve my ill-fated phone, and all things considered it was in pretty good shape -- if you don't count the fact it’s totally inoperable and appears to have a severe case of Scoliosis. But other than that, it’s good as new. I guess on a positive note, the screen protector seems to have done its job.
          As disturbing and unsettling as all of this was, I was not at all prepared for what was to come. Due to the timing of this mishap, right before a weekend, and thanks to those persistent and super annoying supply chain issues, I was going to be sans phone for at least 3-4 days. GULP!
          Now, to be clear, I’m not one of those people who are attached to their phone, but still. Joni Mitchell once sang, “Don’t it always seem to go, That you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone,” and boy, was Joni right. How was I now supposed to easily find out who that actress is on that series I’m streaming without my phone at hand? I surely never realized how many times I would need a code texted to my phone to access a site or confirm my identity. And how would I ever receive the latest important news about my car’s extended warranty!? I even had to check for e-mail and play Wordle on my computer! Que horror!! But that wasn’t even the worst part.
          What about all the friends and family trying to get in touch with me? The thought of how I’d ever be able to wade through and catch up on days of missed phone calls and texts was overwhelming and anxiety inducing. And all for naught.
          After what ended up being seven phoneless days, I hadn’t received a single voicemail. Not even a missed call! A whole week of being wireless-less, and the only texts I received were from Walgreens and a 20% off digital coupon from Bed, Bath & Beyond! Egad!! It was all too much for a Middle Child to bear. I guess in hindsight, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all. But it’s all behind me now. I have a new, functioning phone. Feel free to call or text me. 
 
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Monday, February 14, 2022

 

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Wednesday, February 9, 2022

The Middle Child Valentine's Day Playlist


          Feeling unloved on Valentine’s Day? Welcome to the club! Now you know what it feels like to be a Middle Child every day! Being overlooked and under-loved is something we know all too well, but on Valentine’s Day it feels even worse. (It feels almost as bad as getting zero attention on Middle Child’s Day, but not quite. Nothing's worse than that.)
          To help you through what will likely be a particularly difficult day of Middle Child misery, I’ve compiled a special Valentine’s Day playlist – a collection of songs that capture the essence of feeling unwanted and unloved -- a selection of standards from the Middle Child Syndrome songbook. So when you need a break from keeping track of who did and didn’t wish you a “Happy Valentine’s Day,” take a moment from feeling slighted and forgotten, click the links and crank up a little music to feel sorry for yourself by.
       Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day!!
 
Eric Carmen
 
Yes
 
Simple Minds
Listen to the Middle Child version, a.k.a. “The Middle Child Anthem
 
The Motels
 
Billy Idol
 
Gilbert O'Sullivan
 
Andrew Gold
Turns out he wasn't really a lonely boy at all. Find out more here
 
Check out these great ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day like a Middle Child! 
 

 
 
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Saturday, January 1, 2022

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Friday, December 24, 2021


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Wednesday, December 8, 2021


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