Rooting for the Middle Child: a Special Super Bowl Report

The NFL's best kept secret...

     Much is being made of the upcoming Super Sunday bro-down between Baltimore Raven's Coach John Harbaugh and his younger brother, San Francisco 49ers Coach Jim.  It's being called everything from "The Bro Bowl" and "The HarBowl" to "The biggest duel since Cain & Abel." Google image search "Harbaugh Siblings" and you'll find page after page of the smiling siblings. The media can't get enough of this brotherly dynamic duo, and who can blame them? It's hard to resist their made for TV story: two brothers going head to head, the proud parents torn between their two children. Endless articles recount the brothers growing up together, learning the game together. But like any good made for TV movie, there's a plot twist.

Cracking the Code: How to Talk to a Middle Child

Talking to a Middle Child would be A LOT easier with one of these!

     We all know that dealing with a Middle Child can be, how shall I say … difficult. Even the simple act of talking to us can be challenging at times. For example, take these simple exchanges:

Example 1:
WIFE:
How was work today?
MIDDLE CHILD HUSBAND:
Horrible. Thanks for reminding me!

Example 2:
MOTHER:
What would you like for breakfast?
MIDDLE CHILD:
Don’t you even know what I like!?

     See what I mean? Here's the main thing you need to know about talking to a Middle Child: No matter what you say, it will be wrong.

The Night Before Christmas: The Middle Child Rewrite

 

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore...

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even the Middle Child, who is usually a pain in the ass.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

Except for the MiddleChild's ‘cause it’s like he’s not there.

The Middle Child was nestled all snug in his bed,

While visions of hand-me-downs danced in his head.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Were so sick and tired of his Middle Child crap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Let’s blame the Middle Child for whatever’s the matter…

 

Well, you get the gist. Merry Christmas to all!!

Is Middle Child Syndrome for the birds?

One of these Zebra Finches is
probably screwed. Guess which.

Researchers at the University of Lancaster Enviroment Center recently studied over 100 Zebra Finches and have concluded that hatching order impacts how birds will behave in adulthood. (This study, by the way, might be as useful as someone blogging about being a Middle Child, but that’s a whole other discussion.) Armed with this knowledge, a Middle Child can’t help but wonder -- if birth order really does influence bird behavior, does this mean birds can have Middle Child Syndrome, too? Hopefully, further study will reveal the answer to this and other burning questions: Does the father Zebra Finch constantly remind the Middle-born Zebra Finch that he doesn’t fly as well as his older brother? Do the first-born and baby Finch gang up and blame the Middle Finch when the mommy Finch wants to know why the nest is such a mess? And are Middle Finches left alone in the nest while their whole family goes out for ice cream -- I mean worms? I can tell you one thing for sure. If birds do have Middle Child Syndrome, I’ll bet they’re the ones who randomly shit on your head.



The Middle Child Strike

Join the #MiddleChildStrike

     A couple of weeks ago, a Twitter follower Tweeted, "I'm going to create a Middle Child Union so all the Middle Children everywhere can strike against the universe." I'm pretty sure she was joking when she said this, but I got to thinking, "What if we really did have a GLOBAL strike?" The idea really stuck with me for two reasons. First, Middle Children are always supposed to be craving attention, right? What better what to get the attention we seek then to have a strike!? There's an estimated 70 million of us all around the world -- that's a lot of attention. Secondly, August 12th is supposed to officially be Middle Child's Day, even though nobody knows about it. If we have our strike on that day, it would be a great way to raise awareness. "But what are we striking against?" you might ask. The answer is -- WHO CARES!?! We're just trying to get some attention!! The strike would be symbolic, but we could make a list of "demands" -- things that really bother us about being a Middle Child that we'd like to change. I already started compiling a list based on real gripes people Tweet:

On a More Positive Note: Musical Middle Children

,     Just so you didn't think it was all gloom and doom for Middle Children (which it mostly is but I'm going to ignore that for now), I thought it would be nice for a change to feature some successful Middle Children. After all, it is the Holiday season! Since Middle Children are often said to be more creative than their siblings, I've chosen to feature Middle Children who have musically channeled their creative energies. Musical Mega Middle Children, if you will. The Smack Dab research department has uncovered the following: Ke$ha, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry -- all Middle Children.

Middle Child Economics (MCE 101)

Yeah, he's one of us! It figures.

         The benefits of being a Middle Child just keep getting better and better. I know we complain a lot about how we're always getting short changed, but I thought that was figuratively speaking. Well, it turns out we literally are, too.
         A 2011 CareerBuilder study found that among workers with siblings, a first born is the most likely to earn more than $100,000, while a last born is the most likely to work in middle management. And what about the Middle Child? We’re the ones most likely to have an entry level position earning less than $35,000! Can’t a Middle Child get a break? We couldn’t even own the middle management category? It has our name written all over it! But it gets even better.

Thanksgiving: The Middle Child of Holidays

I'm not going to take credit for this one. I never really thought about attributing Middle Child qualities to holidays, even though I have often heard people refer to Wednesday as the "Middle Child of the week." But I saw lots of people Tweeting about Thanksgiving being the Middle Child stuck between Halloween and Christmas, so I dug a little deeper (a.k.a. Googled it) and found quite a few articles about it. I know that Holidays and family get-togethers can be particularly stressful times for Middle Children, but if you can find some time between everyone making a huge fuss over your brother's new job but totally ignoring your promotion and your mother making your siblings all their favorite dishes and not remembering you absolutely HATE strawberry rhubarb but thinking it's your FAVORITE dish, you might want to feast on these. And have a Happy Thanksgiving. At least try...

Thanksgiving: The Middle Child of Holidays

Why Thanksgiving is the Middle Child of Holidays

Thanksgiving: The Middle Child of Holidays?

Thanksgiving: The Holiday with the Middle Child Blues

Thanksgiving - The Middle Child of Holidays

It's a Love (but mostly) Hate Thing.

How do you feel about being a
Middle Child? Let your voice be heard!

          In my role as the self-appointed spokesperson for the self-created International Society of Middle Children, I spend a lot of time (okay, too much time) monitoring the pulse of Middle Children everywhere -- well, mostly Middle Children on Twitter. And I have to tell you that most of what I hear is not good. Actually, it’s quite bad. Based on a totally random sample over the course of a few days, almost 85% of Middle Child tweets have something negative to say about being a Middle Child. They range from, “Being the Middle Child sucks #ShootMeInTheFace,” to “Being the Middle Child really fucking sucks!” all the way to “Being the Middle Child is the worst thing ever.” There’s a lot of, “I hate being the Middle Child” and also “No one likes the Middle Child” pops up quite often. I’m assuming that’s a Middle Child saying that, but if not that’s just as bad. In my statistically insignificant study, just a mere 9% of Middle Children have anything positive to Tweet about being stuck in the middle.

Middle Child Hall of Shame: special post-election edition

          When it comes to exhibiting all the classic attention-getting behavior you'd expect from a Middle Child, "The Donald" takes the cake. (You didn't think he wears his hair like that because it looks good, did you?) From his chronic clashes with female celebs, including his 2006 bashing of Rosie O'Donnell, to his on-again off-again Presidential bid, to his latest Twitter tantrum about the election and juvenile jabs at newscaster Brian Williams, this guy is clearly crying out for attention. It's enough to make even the most messed up Middle Child feel well-adjusted! So for further sullying the image of Middle Children everywhere, Smack Dab reluctantly inducts Donald Trump into the Middle Child Hall of Shame.

What the Well-Dressed Middle Child is Wearing



It's not my fault...

Overlooked...

Warning...

Middle Sister

          They say "You are what you wear." Of course, for too many Middle Children, that really means you are what your older sibling wore – but not anymore! Our Smack Dab fashion editors searched far and wide to discover the latest in Middle Child fashions. (Okay, I went to Zazzle and CaféPress and found some tee-shirts. I was just trying to dress it up a bit.)
          These are fashions only a Middle Child would be caught dead in. Wait a minute, that didn’t come out right. I mean, these are fashions that only a Middle Child could pull off. There, that’s better. After all, if you're going to be a Middle Child, you might as well dress the part!

(Smack Dab does not make one red cent from the sale of these tee-shirts. Zero. Zilch. Nada.)







A Syndrome by Any Other Name...

          Like a lot of Middle Children, I suffer from Middle Child Syndrome. MCS is a condition so powerful, it can cause damage that lasts a lifetime. Yet even though it affects millions of people, it has been virtually ignored by research.  There are no fancy telethons for MCS. And the worst part is, there is no cure. No one knows exactly who “discovered” MCS, but one thing’s for sure. Of all the injustices suffered by Middle Children, it has done the most damage. Here’s why…
          MCS is often defined as: “When a Middle Child, typically in a family of three kids who are close in age, feels left out or neglected.” Of course there’s no denying that many Middle Children share a common set of characteristics. But so do first and last-borns. How come theirs didn’t get an umbrella name? Not only did our behaviors get a name, they made it sound like a disease! You know what the definition of syndrome is? "A group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality! MCS = something is wrong with you.

TV’s Greatest Middle Children

Malcom (NOT REALLY) in the Middle

"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"
The immortal words of Jan Brady.

Zap2it.com has compiled a great tribute to TV’s most famous Middle Children. But before reviewing the list, let’s get one thing straight. Malcom wasn’t really in the middle! For the first four seasons, Malcom had two older brothers, Francis and Reese, and a younger brother, Dewey. This meant Malcom had at best (or worst) "shared" Middle Child status with Reese. It wasn’t until the fifth season that Malcom’s baby brother Jamie was introduced, making Malcom a true Middle Child. But that was short lived, as two seasons later in the seventh and final season, it was revealed another member of the family was expected. Being a Middle Child for only two seasons doesn’t really count. Trust me. The title seems to be more about Malcom always finding himself in the middle, yet it is now commonly accepted that Malcom actually was a Middle Child, even though he wasn’t.

The Middle Child Conspiracy: a closer look

A Smack Dab inestigative report reveals the truth about Middle Child Presidents!

          
          As happy as I was to learn that 52% of all U.S. Presidents were actually Middle Children and not firstborns, (See "The Middle Child Conspiracy"), the Middle Child in me suspected it was too good to be true. So in the spirit of this year’s Presidential elections, I did a little fact checking. It turns out that just like in real life, both sides are playing it fast and loose with the facts. Granted, it’s a little hard to label some Presidents in one category or the other. For example, George Washington’s father had four children with his first wife before the 1st President was born. Washington was the first of six children from his father’s second marriage. So does he count as the first born or the fifth born? FDR was the only child from his father’s second marriage, but had an older half-brother from his father’s first marriage. So is he the oldest or the youngest? And if we consider him an only child, does he count as both the oldest and youngest?

The Middle Child Conspiracy

     

     If you’re a Middle Child, you’ve long known there is a concentrated effort to keep us down. (If you’re not a Middle Child, you still know about it as you are probably part of the conspiracy!) Proof of this was evident again this morning on the Today Show. Psychiatrist and Today Show Contributor Dr. Gail Saltz was doing a piece about birth order. While talking about how wonderful first-borns were and what great leaders they make, she cited that over half of U.S. Presidents were first born. Well, I suppose that’s true –if you’re only counting first-born males!! When that statistic was figured, first-born females weren’t figured in as older siblings, according to Catherine Salmon and Katrin Schumann, co-authors of The Secret Power of Middle Children. The truth of the matter is 52 percent of U.S. Presidents were actually Middle Children!! Of course, we can argue whether or not that’s a good thing, but that’s not the point!! It’s just another example of how we always get the short end of the stick.

Guess the Middle Child...

One of these celebrities is a Middle Child. The other two have no excuse! 

Post your answer in the comments section.

"Everyone's Least Favorite Wine"

Help me come up with other tag lines for this. So far, I've got:

- "The Wine Everyone Loves to Hate";

- "America's Most Overlooked Wine";

- "The Wine for those who like to Whine";

and my personal favorite...

- "This wine is not as good as your sisters. It tastes like crap. Why can't you do anything right!?!"