Hauntingly Horrible Middle Children

          In the spirit of Halloween, it only seems fitting that I strike a decidedly darker tone with this post. It wouldn’t be the first time. In year’s past, I’ve posted about two of Hollywood’s scariest Middle Children: Leatherface, the only character to appear in all nine “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movies, and Michael Myers, star of the “Halloween” movie franchise. The mere mention of those Mid Kid’s names can send chills down the spine, but frightening as they are, they’re not actual hauntingly horrible human Middle Children. They just play ones on the big screen.

          But not to worry. I didn’t have to search very far or wide to find some horrifyingly despicable real life Middle Children. Throughout history, we’ve had more than our fair share. In fact, some of the most frighteningly evil people of all time were Middle Children. Just check out The Top Tens list of “The Top 10 Most Evil People of All Time.” Six out of ten on the list were living, breathing, real-life Middle Children! Well that’s just swell. As if trying to improve our reputation wasn’t already hard enough. And just listen to the names of the Middle Children on that list. It’s like the Heinous Hall of Fame. A real Who’s Who of horror.

The Wrath of Khan:
one scary Middle Child.

 

          In no particular order, the list includes genocidal Deutch bags Adolph Hitler and Heinrich Himmler, mass murdering terrorist Osama bin Laden, and brutal dictator Kim Jon-il. There’s also some real OG villains on the list, like Genghis Khan -- one of the most brutal and murderous leaders the world has ever known, responsible for the deaths of as many as 40 million people. After one particularly gruesome massacre, the piles of his victim’s bones were mistaken for mountains. He once disposed of an enemy leader by having molten silver poured into his eyes and ears. That’s one scary, pissed off Middle Child.

          Of course, you don’t become such a deeply feared and twisted figure overnight. His murderous ways can be traced back to his youth, when Genghis killed his half-brother for not sharing his food with him. Even from the grave, the Great Khan remained a deadly force. To keep his burial place a secret, he left instructions that everyone involved in burying him was to be killed.

Vlad the Impaler:
he staked his reputation on brutality.

          And let’s not forget Vlad the Impaler, another maniacal Mid Kid who makes the... cut. Over the course of his lifetime, it’s estimated he was responsible for the deaths of more than 80,000 people – mostly by, well… do I really have to say? His blood thirsty ways are said to be the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula. But if these chart-toppers aren’t enough to make you lose some sleep tonight, there’s also serial killing Middle Children like John Wayne Gacy, and “The Green River Killer,” Gary Leon Ridgway.

          Of course, this all flies in the face of what the experts say is our inclination to be diplomatic, peacekeeping types, eager to avoid conflict. 

          But you never know. Bwahhhhhhhhh! 

 

CHECK OUT THESE OTHER HALLOWEEN POSTS: 

“The Middle Child Who Made Pumpkin History”

 “Halloween's Greatest Middle Child”

“Top 10 Middle Child Halloween Costumes”

 

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The Middle Child Who Made Pumpkin History

          It’s almost Halloween, and the pumpkins are in bloom. Okay, pumpkins don’t bloom, but you know what I mean – they’re everywhere. Why pumpkins are associated with Halloween is an interesting story, but one that has nothing to do with Middle Children at all, so I won’t waste my time going into that here. (You can click here if you’re interested.) But we might not even be calling them pumpkins at all if it wasn’t for a Middle Child: French explorer Jacques Cartier.

          According to The History Channel and numerous other sources, while exploring the St. Lawrence region of what is now Canada in 1584, Cartier reported seeing large orange gourds. “Gros melons,” he called them. Probably sounded really nice with a French accent. To be clear, Cartier didn’t discover the pumpkin – au contraire mon frère. They’ve been around for thousands of years. But Cartier brought the news of these orange orbs back to the Old World, where they were previously unheard of.

“Take me to your pumpkin.”

          Upon his return, “gros melons” were known by the Greek word for large melon – “pepon.” But when the French nasalized the word, it became “pompon.” Not to be outdone by the French, the English anglicized it, calling them “pompion.” Finally, American colonists said, “Screw that!” and started calling them pumpkins.

          So there you have it. A hallowed Halloween mainstay, courtesy of the Middle Child.

          You’re welcome. 

 

F'd Up Fun Fact: The truth is, none of this happened in 1584. Oh, it happened -- just not when they say it did. I know this because Cartier was already dead by 1584, so he wasn’t doing much exploring. At least not above ground. I suspect this happened on his first journey, in 1534. Even though countless online sources say 1584, there's no disputing he died in 1557. Ooops. I figure someone transcribed the 3 as an 8, 1534 became 1584, and the rest is unchecked internet history.

 

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Enjoy more Halloween Middle Child nonsense.

Read “Halloween’s Greatest Middle Child,” and “The Top 10 Middle Child Costumes for Halloween.”

Unmasking a Middle Child

A Halloween Special Investigation

 

     When you’re raised in the backwoods of Texas by a family of abusive, cannibalistic, serial killers, your chances of turning out anything close to normal are slim. So Leatherface, the central character of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” film franchise, never really stood a chance. But was the deck stacked even more against him? Was one of the first and most influential killers of the slasher genre also... a Middle Child? It’s a horrifying thought, but one worth looking into. 

     Leatherface was part of a large family, best known for abducting, torturing, murdering, and ultimately eating stranded motorists. Leatherface helped feed his family by using his trademark chainsaw to “prepare” meals. When this crew said they were having company for dinner, they really meant it. But before literally serving their guest, Leatherface worked up quite an appetite skinning the face off his victim and sewing the pieces together to create his macabre mask. And now, we eat! 

     Over the course of his 50+ year fictional life, spanning eight movies, four different comic book series, and even a few video games, Leatherface’s family has morphed into multiple variations. First, they were the Sawyers in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (1974), “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” (1986), and “Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III” (1990). Then they were the Slaughters in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Next Generation” (1994). In the reboot of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (2003) and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning” (2006), they were the Hewitts. Finally, they were the Sawyers again in “Texas Chainsaw 3D” (2013) and “Leatherface” (2017). Each iteration added new characters, made changes to existing ones, and often had conflicting timelines -- as if this group wasn’t enough of a horror show to start with. To make matters worse, they even dabbled in a little inbreeding, which not only makes it difficult to determine birth order, but even whether they were siblings or offspring -- or both! Leatherface himself had at least four name changes: "Bubba" Sawyer, Thomas Brown Hewitt, Jedidiah "Jed" Sawyer, and Junior Slaughter. Like I said, all this makes determining birth order really hard, but here’s what we do know.

     Leatherface had a a lot of brothers. (There was even a sister, who might possibly also be his mother.) Drayton Sawyer (“The Cook”), Nubbins Sawyer (“The Hitchhiker”), “Chop Top” Sawyer, Edward “Tex” Sawyer, Tinker “Tink” Sawyer, Alfredo Sawyer, “The Butcher,” “The Cook,” and Charlie Hewitt Jr. (a.k.a. Sheriff Hoyt -- don’t ask), have all been identified as older brothers. But on the other end of the spectrum, Jedidiah Hewitt (not to be confused with Jedidiah Sawyer a.k.a. Leatherface) has been described as “the youngest and most sane member of the murderous Hewitt family.” There’s also a description of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation” on Prime Video that reads, “Again young people meet up with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre villain Leatherface. This time they also meet his demented younger brother.”

     I know this is a lot to digest, but it does appear that in addition to his already many issues, Leatherface is also a Middle Child. Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse. I suppose none of this should really come as a great surprise to anyone. Middle Children do have a reputation for acting out with attention seeking behavior. Granted, the chainsaw and hand-sewn human skin mask thing may be a bit over the top, but I guess it takes a little more to get noticed when your entire family are murdering cannibals. 

     And so I leave you with this useful piece of advice: Never piss off someone who’s wearing a mask made from someone else’s face and brandishing a chainsaw. Especially if they’re a Middle Child. 

     Happy Halloween! 

 

MORE MIDDLE CHILD HALLOWEEN REQUIRED READING: 

“The Making of a Monstrous Middle Child”

“Halloween's Greatest Middle Child”

“The Top 10 Middle Child Costumes for Halloween”

 

 

No Thanks!

     It’s that time of year again. Halloween is a mere memory, the Christmas creep has begun, and the “Thanksgiving is the Middle Child of Holidays” tweets and articles are popping up like Black Friday Preview sales. But I beg to differ. Thanksgiving is so not the Middle Child of holidays! I wrote about this way back in 2013, but it obviously bears repeating.
     Far from overlooked and forgotten, Thanksgiving gets more than it’s fair share of attention. And there’s certainly no need to make up a Middle Child of holidays when there already is one. It’s called Middle Child’s Day, for God's sake! On August 12th!! And unlike Thanksgiving, when there are parades all across the country, we don’t even get a single parade -- even though we’re really trying. So enough with the Thanksgiving pity party. I don’t want to hear any more Thanksgiving Middle Child nonsense.
     Anyway, it’s not like this is the first time people have used our beleaguered birth order as fodder for metaphorical mockery. I also wrote about this in a previous post (big surprise), and since then the list has grown even longer.
     People are giving Middle Children status to everything, from wine:

     to automobiles:

     to demographics:

     to computer software:

 

     and even reading material:

 

     Although that one could be a compliment I suppose, depending on what book you’re talking about.
     I guess the good news here is that Middle Children are getting more attention than we think. Just not the kind we want.

The Making of a Monstrous Middle Child

A Special Halloween Report

"You don't have to look very hard to find proof that Middle Children do some scary things."

     Any parent of a Middle Child will tell you, we can be real terrors. Little monsters. There’s even been research that seems to back that up.  There’s no doubt our behavior can be frightening, and you don't have to look very hard to find proof that Middle Children do some scary things. So in celebration of Halloween, I thought it would be fitting to feature a real-life Middle Child monster -- well, a real-life movie Middle Child monster. A creature so horrifying, just the mere mention of his name sends chills down the spine: Michael Myers.

NOT a Middle Child.

     No, not that Mike Myers. The other one, with the creepy mask. The primary antagonist, serial killer, and all-around psychopathic dude in the Halloween film series.
     Now, I’m no fan of slasher flicks. In fact, I’ve never actually seen any of the Halloween movies -- with my eyes open. Just writing about this is giving me the willies. And if I’m being totally honest, the reason I haven’t posted in a few weeks is because it took me so much longer than usual to write this post as I was looking over my shoulder the entire time! But I’ll be brave and press on.

Serious Middle Child issues.

     On Halloween night in 1963, six year old Michael Audrey Myers watched as his older sister, Judith, was making out with her boyfriend prior to going up to her room to have sex. This apparently bothered Michael, so after the boyfriend left he crept upstairs and repeatedly stabbed Judith to death. In hindsight, maybe his parents should’ve given him a better middle name than Audrey. Anyway, young Michael was sent to an asylum where he was to be held until his 21st birthday, when he would be tried as an adult. But that would never happen. Fifteen years later, on October 30, 1978 -- the day before he was to be transferred to court for his hearing -- Michael escaped. Before leaving, he carved the word “sister” on his door -- a special message for his younger sibling, Cynthia, who was adopted by the Strode family and renamed Laurie after both of her parents were killed in a car accident in 1965.

Where Jamie Lee Curtis earned her scream creds.

     And so began a killing spree that has fueled a film franchise ranked first in U.S. box office, when adjusting for inflation, compared to other horror film series. Truly killer box office. Since his first appearance in the original Halloween in 1978, the murderous Middle Child has killed a total of 121 people in the 10 versions of the movie he appears in, as catalogued by ScreenRant.
     While many Middle Children would kill for the kind of attention Michael has received, Michael actually has. Empire Magazine named him “one of the most iconic killer characters in cinema history,” TimeOut Magazine lists him as one of “The 50 Best Movie Villains of All Time,” and Paste Magazine puts three different installments of the Halloween series on their list of “50 Best Slasher Movies of All Time,” with the original version topping their list. Yet he doesn’t make the cut, pun intended, on AFI’s “100 Years...100 Heroes & Villians” or USA Today’s “The 50 Most Popular Movie Villains of All Time.” Typical Middle Child treatment.
     Of course, Michael Myers is no typical Middle Child, and he's surely not one you'd ever want to piss off. I really hope I haven't already.

If you want to find out more about all things Michael Myers, check out this great article by Shea Serrano at The Ringer. (I know he’s just a movie maniac, but just in case, there are even some tips on how you might possibly survive an encounter with Michael.)

Not-So-Fun Times

     It was near the end of an excruciatingly long car ride and I was starting to fade. I asked my wife if she had anything sweet to help revive me, and could hear the familiar sound of a bag of M&M’s being torn open. Not plain M&M’s, but Peanut M&M’s -- my absolute favorite. They always do the trick.
     She put a few in my hand once, then once again. But when I held out my hand a third time, I was told, “That’s it.” That's it? Surely, she was kidding. That was like seven or eight pieces. “Whaddaya mean, that’s it?” I said.
     “It was a Fun Size bag,” she replied.
     Fun Size? FUN SIZE!? That was no fun at all! There are about 22 Peanut M&M’s in a “normal” size bag. If you’re gonna call yourself a Fun Size bag, you better bring your A game. I’m thinking 40 or 50 Peanut M&M’s. Now that would be fun. But what they call a Fun Size bag has a measly 7-9 Peanut M&M’s in it. That’s not fun. That’s sad. They should call it a Sad Bag.
     I was an advertising creative for decades and had to come up with countless ideas for product names and descriptors. Never in my wildest dreams would I come up with something this twisted. Although I once did suggest naming a line of adult diapers “Poop Deck,” but that’s another story for another post.
     Maybe my career experience has made me hyper-sensitive to misleading labels. Or maybe it’s my Middle Child perspective. You know, too many times being told the smaller present you got that you really didn’t want is “just as good” as the bigger present your sister got that was exactly what she wanted. Or that those hand-me-downs are actually “new” because it’s the first time you're wearing them. No, it is not and no they are not. And there is nothing “fun” about a bag of Peanut M&M’s that’s 1/3 the size of a normal bag of Peanut M&M’s!
     If this was a tiny bottle of shampoo or a miniature can of shaving cream it would be called a Travel Size. But who would want a smaller bag of M&M’s when they travel? Clearly, not me. Sample Size or Trial Size would be more apt. Actually, Teaser Size would be even better. Or Where’s The Rest of the Friggin’ Bag Size.
     Look, Fun Size bags have their place I suppose. I guess they’re okay to hand out on Halloween when kids are getting tons of other candy anyway. What difference would it make then? But any other day of the year?? It’s an outrage! An outrage, I tell you!! I say it should be illegal for them to sell Fun Size bags any other time of the year. They should just sell them around Halloween and call them Trick-or-Treat size. Even though I would still argue it’s mostly trick.

Halloween’s Greatest Middle Child.

     “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” has been airing every year around Halloween since 1966. But while Charlie Brown gets top billing, the real star of the show isn’t pumpkin-headed Charlie. It’s his blanket toting buddy, Linus Van Pelt. 

     Linus first mentioned the Great Pumpkin in 1959, which inspired the 1966 animated television special. No one else believes in the mythical gourd, except for Linus. Every year (for almost 60 years) , he sits in a pumpkin patch on Halloween waiting for the Great Pumpkin to arrive, which never happens.  Linus is defeated, but determined, vowing  to wait for him again the following Halloween. What else would you expect from a Middle Child? That’s right, Linus is a Middle Child!

Rerun VanPelt (Licensed under
Fair Use via Wikipedia.)

     Everyone knows Linus' older sister, Lucy.  But baby bro Rerun was first mentioned on May 23, 1972: Lucy throws Linus out of the house and then finds out another little brother had just been born. Lucy declares "A new baby brother? But I just got rid of the old one!" She comments that having a second younger brother is like watching reruns on television, and Linus suggests naming him just that.

     Rerun actually appears in the strip for the first time almost a year later, on March 26, 1973 -- an identical but smaller version of Linus. In later years, Linus attempts to make Rerun a Great Pumpkin believer, taking his wary and embarrassed little brother door-to-door to spread the word. But even Rerun could not be converted. So this Halloween, let’s pay tribute to Halloween’s most famous forgotten Middle Child and share some Great Pumpkin love. Don’t do it for me. Do it for Linus!

The Top 10 Middle Child Costumes for Halloween

     For many Middle Children, Halloween is an opportunity to not be a Middle Child -- at least for a day. But I say it's the perfect time to embrace your Middle Child-ness. Or at least a chance to be a different Middle Child -- maybe even a famous Middle Child! Here are  some suggestions:

10. The Multimillionaire Middle Child: All it takes is a snazzy suit and a horrible hairdo, and Voila! -- you’re Donald Trump. Or if you prefer a more understated look, this Tech Digest article outlines all the geek garb you’ll need to be Bill Gates.

9. A Very Brady Halloween: This year, make it all about Jan, Jan, Jan! Choose the traditional TV series look, or the wigged out movie look. Either way, it's a fitting Halloween homage.


8. Famous FOX Mid Kids: They may never get their own spin-offs, so why not let Mid Kids Chris Griffin or Lisa Simpson be the center of attention, just for the night.

7. The Middle Mermaid: Everyone knows all about Ariel, but why not change things up this year and go as her lesser known sister, Ethel? Yes, Ethel Mermaid.

6. The Irrelephant: If you’re really looking for some attention this Halloween, (and honestly, what Middle Child isn’t?), here's the perfect costume: a pachyderm with Middle Child Syndrome!

5. The Invisible Man: You’ve been playing the part for years, so you might as well dress the part this Halloween. Wrap some gauze around your head, slap on some sunglasses, throw on a bathrobe, and you’re good to go! It'll be like you're not even there. What else is new?

Thanksgiving is NOT the "Middle Child of Holidays!"

          I can always tell when Thanksgiving is approaching because people are dusting off their “Thanksgiving is the Middle Child of holidays” and “Thanksgiving suffers from severe Middle Child Syndrome” tweets. When I saw these messages popping up last year, I wrote a post about it that contained links to several articles detailing why the authors believed Thanksgiving is overlooked, forgotten, and overshadowed by Halloween before it and Christmas after it. I didn’t think much about it at the time, but I’ve given it much thought over the past year and have come to the conclusion that these people are  friggin’ nuts!  While these Thanksgiving thoughts certainly aren’t the first Middle Child metaphors I’ve ever heard, they might be the most egregious. (For a list of more, read “The Metaphorical Middle Child.”)

          Forgotten?  Overlooked? Are you kidding me!? People love Thanksgiving.  Some people look forward to their Thanksgiving dinner the entire year.  I mean, what’s not to love about Thanksgiving? There’s food, football, and lots of pie. In fact, I would argue that Thanksgiving is more than loved – it’s BEloved. (Ask a Middle Child how loved they feel.  Go ahead, I dare you. I’d be happy if I felt liked!)

The Metaphorical Middle Child

     As the self-appointed “Mouthpiece for the Middle Child,” it's my sworn duty to compile as much information as possible regarding our plight and offer my completely biased insights and totally skewed observations. In keeping with my vigilant reportage of all things Middle Child, I've noticed there are a lot of Middle Child metaphors floating around out there in the Twitterverse lately. (A lot of Middle Child similes too, if you want to be literal about it.) Here’s a representative sampling.

Twist us open and remove our innards.

Being A Middle Child Bites: Some of the implied comparisons I’ve come across pertain to food. The Middle Child has been compared to “the creamy middle of an Oreo cookie.” Do you know what that white stuff is made of? It’s mostly artificial ingredients and chemically enhanced fat. Is this supposed to be a good thing? It is tasty though, so I’ll take it as a compliment. But we’ve also been likened to pâté. Well, actually chopped liver, which is definitely not a good thing no matter what you think about chopped liver.

“What are we, Chopped Liver!?”

Every Day Is Middle Child's Day: There seems to be some disagreement over which day of the week is most Middle Child-like. Some maintain, “Wednesday is the Middle Child of the week,” which kind of makes a lot of sense since it really is smack dab in the middle of the week. Still, others argue “Tuesday is the misguided Middle Child of the week.” Someone even suggested “Saturday’s like the Middle Child,” which makes no sense at all since it’s nowhere near the middle of the week. It is, in fact, on the weekend. Even “special” days have been thrown into the mix. Thanksgiving, Halloween and Easter have each been mentioned as “the Middle Child of holidays.” Here’s the problem with those comparisons: there already is a “Middle Child of holidays.” It’s called Middle Child’s Day! Of course, nobody even knows it exists.

Thanksgiving: The Middle Child of Holidays

I'm not going to take credit for this one. I never really thought about attributing Middle Child qualities to holidays, even though I have often heard people refer to Wednesday as the "Middle Child of the week." But I saw lots of people Tweeting about Thanksgiving being the Middle Child stuck between Halloween and Christmas, so I dug a little deeper (a.k.a. Googled it) and found quite a few articles about it. I know that Holidays and family get-togethers can be particularly stressful times for Middle Children, but if you can find some time between everyone making a huge fuss over your brother's new job but totally ignoring your promotion and your mother making your siblings all their favorite dishes and not remembering you absolutely HATE strawberry rhubarb but thinking it's your FAVORITE dish, you might want to feast on these. And have a Happy Thanksgiving. At least try...

Thanksgiving: The Middle Child of Holidays

Why Thanksgiving is the Middle Child of Holidays

Thanksgiving: The Middle Child of Holidays?

Thanksgiving: The Holiday with the Middle Child Blues

Thanksgiving - The Middle Child of Holidays