I know that virtually every Middle Child has asked the question, “Where are all the pictures of me?” as they flip through the pages of family photo albums desperately seeking proof they were actually part of the family. My father, for example, created an amazing photo album of my older brother’s first year, taking a picture of him every single one of his first 365 days. For me? Not so much. But what I never knew, until now, was that this lapse of photographic memories had also been adapted for the silver screen. Let me break it down for you.
|Lights! Camera! But no Middle Child action.|
Okay, so there are no home movies of my first birthday. Big deal. I’m sure my second birthday was captured on film. Let me check... crap! I was afraid of that. Nothing. Not a single frame. In fact, it wasn't until I turned six that I finally received my first birthday screen time. WTeffinF!?! I guess by then he figured they had to keep me, but really.
|Major motion pictures make it to the screen faster than it took for me to get my home movie birthday break!|
(The names have been blurred to protect the favored.)
|It looks like everyone got their second birthday filmed.|
Well, almost everyone.
I’ll admit, over the years I have grown accustomed to a whole range of Middle Child indignities (Read “The Birth Denouncement” and “Tales from the Middle: the Best Worst Seat in the House.”), but being edited out of my own Lifetime movie? Well, this is a new low. And it gets even lower.
Now remember, my father didn’t have a movie camera when my brother was born, so he couldn’t document the day the new born king came home from the hospital. (He more than made up for it with that photo album, though.) But he did have a movie camera by the time my younger sister and I arrived on the scene, so obviously there’s footage of each of us coming home. And sure enough, there is. OF MY SISTER!
Interestingly, the footage of my homecoming was... mysteriously damaged. Kind of like those missing minutes from the Nixon Watergate tapes. “Double exposed,” according to my father’s notes. Overlapped by shots of my brother and a dog. And it wasn't even the family dog. We didn't have a dog!! I have to share the screen with some unrelated canine!!! Just an unfortunate accident? I think not! Double exposed my ass!! I’ll tell you what’s been exposed. A vast parental-sibling conspiracy. An insidious plot to further marginalize the Middle Child. It was like I was being social distanced before it was even a thing!
|Welcome Home?: You can't make this stuff up!|