Sunday, December 20, 2015

A College Football First!

     It’s college bowl season, and with 40 games to be played, there are some really bad bowls out there. This year’s menu of mediocrity features 12 teams with 6-6 records. It’s SO bad, there are even three teams with losing records playing in bowls! With the quality of bowl games sinking to a new low, CBS Sports' Tom Fornelli, who ranks the Bottom 25 teams throughout the season, suggested in a recent post we might as well put winless teams in a bowl game. “Hell, why not just create a bowl specifically for them?” he wondered. Ask and ye shall receive, Mr. Fornelli.
     The International Middle Child Union is proud to announce the first ever I.M.C.U. Middle Child Bowl: the college football game nobody wants to pay attention to. The two worst teams in the country vying for their moment in the lowlight. Two power(less)houses going head to head in an epic battle of winless wonders. The loser is awarded the ultimate prize for their lack of accomplishments -- the coveted Jan Brady Trophy! So who gets to play in this shit show?
     Choosing the best of the worst is no easy task. I started with Fornelli’s bottom 25, where he ranks the 0-12 University of Central Florida Knights 25th and the 0-12 Kansas Jayhawks 24th. But to assure the Middle Child Bowl showcases the very best of the worst, I did a little digging. After all, a winless team might not actually be as bad as their record indicates. I mean, they’re still really bad, but depending on the teams they play, they might be better than, say, a 1 or 2 win team. According to the CBS Sports rankings of all 128 teams in the NCAA Division I Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS), UCF brings up the rear at 128th, while Kansas wreaks slightly less at 124th. So perhaps there’s another team more deserving --or is that more less deserving?
     Let’s start the selection process by eliminating any team that breaks the Top 100 on either side of the ball. The 125th ranked UNC/Charlotte 49ers (2-10) boast the 88th best defense, while the 126th ranked Eastern Michigan Eagles (1-11) tout the 73rd
ranked offense -- far too lofty numbers for a game of this caliber, so they’re both out. The 127th ranked North Texas Mean Green (1-11) and their 112th ranked offense is slightly lower than Kansas’ 110th ranked unit, but the Mean Green’s defense is ranked 120th, compared to the Jayhawks at 128th, which is dead last. North Texas is also 10 spots higher than UCF’s 122nd ranked offense, and 5 spots lower than UCF’s 115th ranked defense -- not bad enough to make the cut. So that settles it. It’s the University of Central Florida Knights battling the Kansas Jayhawks for a shot at college football futility in the inaugural I.M.C.U. Middle Child Bowl. May the less worst team win.

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