Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Dread Carpet: What if You Held an Awards Show, and Nobody Came?

Hollywood's Golden Boy:
Everyone's favorite eunuch.
     The 86th Academy Awards are just days away, but people have been talking about them for weeks, even months. Who will win what? Who will wear who? There are pre-Oscar parties, and Oscar parties, and Oscar after-parties. Oscar this, Oscar that. For a guy who weighs in at just 8½ pounds, stands only 13½ inches tall, and has no penis, he certainly commands a lot of attention.
     Meanwhile, the International Middle Child Union presented the Middie Awards well over a month ago (See Post), and there was barely a peep! Can you believe, not a single major TV network covered the ceremony? Not even the CW! Nobody even showed up to collect their award – typical Middle Child treatment.
The Middie Awards have a
message for Oscar: "Eat me!"
     I realize the Middie Awards don’t have the kind of budget that Oscar has, but still – I spent a nice chunk of change at Party City decorating the basement. I made, like, four full trays of Rice Krispie Treats that I have no idea what to do with now. I don’t even want to talk about the 20 piece orchestra I hired that spent the entire weekend in my guest room. That was awkward.
     I find it particularly ironic that an awards show all about celebrating attention seeking behavior can’t get any for itself! Even the Razzies get more attention than the Middies. In hindsight, maybe we need to make our award more friendly and approachable. Perhaps giving winners the finger (our Golden Middle Finger statuette) is a mistake. Maybe we need to humanize our award with a person’s name -- you know, like they did with Oscar and Emmy. “And the Malcolm goes to…” That could work. “The Jan” doesn’t sound very catchy, but “The Brady” has a nice ring to it. How about, “The Britney?” Or “The Stephie?” Your suggestions are welcome…

Coming Friday: Get your Oscar Nominee Birth Order Breakdown Pocket Guide.

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Middle Children need to be heard!