Middle Child Memories: My Kosher for Passover Birthdays

          Not every year, but far too many for my liking, my birthday has fallen on Passover. I’m bringing this up now because, well, it’s almost Passover, and this is one of those years. As an adult, this doesn’t matter much to me anymore. But as a child -- especially as a Middle Child – this was a very big deal. And not the good kind of very big deal.

          Before this goes any further, I need to provide some context. If you’ve been following this blog, it should be abundantly clear by now that I have serious Middle Child issues. If the fact that I felt it necessary to create a blog to document the trials and tribulations of my unfortunate birth order position wasn’t enough to convince you, then perhaps knowing I also founded the International Middle Child Union to help raise awareness of our plight should seal the deal. Also, for the purposes of this post, it’s important to know that I grew up in a Kosher household, which means every Passover we dined on special Kosher for Passover plates and only ate Kosher for Passover foods for all eight days of the holiday. Regrettably, it also meant that on the years when my birthday and Passover collided, I had to have a

Kosher for Passover birthday cake.

          Now, here’s something you need to know about Kosher for Passover birthday cakes: they are not very good. Even the “good” ones are not very good. A “good” Kosher for Passover birthday cake just means it’s not awful. This is not just some distorted Middle Child memory of mine. I am not alone in this belief. One review of Kosher for Passover desserts observed “It can be hard to bake desserts that are unleavened and still taste good,” and “many Passover foods taste stale even when they are fresh.” Another critique noted that Kosher for Passover desserts “often taste like they’d been abandoned in the dessert for 40 days and nights.” Still another declared “Passover desserts are not known for being delicacies. How could they be? What kind of baked goods are made without flour?” It further suggested that “Passover is a

good time to try to skip desserts.” The particular dessert being reviewed was described as “seven layers of yellow cake made from potato starch so, yes, these layers are quite dry.” And this was written about a cake the reviewer actually liked! So you see what I had to deal with?

          To be clear, I don’t believe any child, Middle or otherwise, should be subject to such indignity on their birthday. But if I'm being totally honest, it somehow feels even worse when you're a Middle Child. Just one more example of how once again my siblings somehow got the better end of the deal, and I got screwed. My brother and sister got to celebrate their birthdays with marvelously moist feasts of frosting, but no such birthday cake love for me. No fair! I had to just smile and suck it up as I choked down each arid bite of some nut laden concoction I would’ve been more than happy to just, yeah… pass over. 

   

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Where’s My Vaccine?

          Like millions of people, I am patiently waiting for my shot to get my shot. I know it will happen, I just don’t know when. In the meantime, I have to admit -- I’m getting a little anxious. I wonder if it will be effective. Will I have an adverse reaction? How long will immunity last? I also don’t understand why it’s taking so long for my group to get its turn. It’s a little frustrating, to be honest. After all, I’ve been waiting a really long time -- like for almost all of my life! 

          Oh, wait. You thought I was talking about the coronavirus vaccine? Oops, my bad. I’m talking about a vaccine for a different condition that also affects millions of people around the world, yet receives zero attention:

 

Where is the Middle Child Syndrome vaccine already!?! 

 

          I know what you’re probably thinking. “What’s the big deal? Why do we need a Middle Child Syndrome vaccine anyway?” I’m sorry, but have you never read my blog before!? Middle Children have been complaining about not getting enough attention for… forever, to no avail. At this point, even if we suddenly received the massive doses of attention required to flatten the Middle Child Syndrome curve, we’d still find a way to whine about not getting enough. That’s the way we roll. 

         Social distancing won't stop it. In fact, casting us aside and keeping your distance only makes it worse! And when Middle Children Syndrome strikes, no mask will protect you. Clearly, so far nothing has been proven effective in helping to eradicate this affliction, so it’s time for drastic measures. A Middle Child Syndrome vaccine is the answer!

          I’m sure all the anti-vaxxers will be up in arms, pun totally intended. They’ll say it could be harmful. More harmful than day after day of incessant Middle Child whining and moaning? I don’t think so. “But what’s the rush? It’s not like it’s transmittable,” you say. Oh really? Maybe you should ask the siblings or parents of a Middle Child if they’ve ever suffered any adverse effects from an outbreak of Middle Child Syndrome. Believe me; it can drive entire families bonkers. No one is immune. That’s why there’s only one thing left to do. 

          So come on, Dr. Fauci. Get crackin', CDC. We’ve seen how fast Big Pharma can move when push comes to shove. Once this global pandemic is under control, it’s time to shift your focus to a Middle Child Syndrome vaccine. Yeah, I know – when are Middle Children ever a priority? But maybe just this once. After all, Middle Children feel like we’ve been getting kicked in the ass long enough. It’s about time we got a shot in the arm.

 

New Zealand Deals With Middle Child Issues

I.M.C.U. backs #getNZonthemap campaign.

Mapmaker, mapmaker, make me a map...
with New Zealand on it!

     Recently, I learned of a global crisis crying for attention. Well, actually more like just a globe crisis.
     As reported by multiple media outlets, including a recent episode of “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver,” it seems New Zealand is frequently left off of world maps. Granted, most people probably already have no idea where New Zealand is, but this only makes matters worse. (Actually, maybe that explains why people have no idea where it is.)
     Exactly how big of a problem is it? There’s a subgroup on Reddit called “MapsWithoutNZ” and a “World Maps Without New Zealand” Tumblr where you can find New Zealand-less maps from Ikea, the World Health Organization, and from other places all over the map. Oooh, sorry New Zealand. That was probably insensitive. Even New Zealand’s own government website left New Zealand off the map! I mean, really. The problem is so serious, the Prime Minister of New Zealand launched the #getNZonthemap campaign to help get her country back where it belongs.

Something’s missing, alright!: Even 
New Zealand’s website left New
Zealand off the map, for godsakes!!

     As the founder of the International Middle Child Union I knew it was time to act, so I have an important message for the people of New Zealand: we feel your pain! After all, Middle Children know all too well what it feels like to be left out. Forgotten. Wiped off the map, so to speak. So how can we stand by and watch an entire country get the Middle Child treatment? That’s right, we cannot!
     That’s why today, the I.M.C.U. is announcing its full support for New Zealand’s efforts to regain its rightful place in the world. Or at least on the maps of the world. We’ll be reaching out to millions of Middles and spreading the word on social media to “Stop Treating New Zealand Like A Middle Child!” (Not that it means much. I mean, I can’t even get Middle Children to recognize Middle Child’s Day. But it’s the thought that counts, right?)
      I am calling on Middle Children all around the world to stand with New Zealand as they struggle with this cartographic catastrophe and seek the recognition they deserve. It's a horrible injustice for a nation with more sheep than people to be treated like the black sheep in this way. Ironic, sure, and maybe even a little bit funny -- but a horrible injustice nonetheless.
     In closing, I’d like to echo the words of the late, great Middle Child John F. Kennedy -- and I’m paraphrasing here: “All Middle Children, wherever they may live are citizens of New Zealand, and, therefore, as a Middle Child, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Kiwi! -- I am a Kiwi!”

Happy Passover!

From your friends at the International Middle Child Union.