Wednesday, February 8, 2017

An Open Letter to President Trump

From the desk (a.k.a. kitchen counter) of the Union Founder

        Dear President Trump,
               I am writing to you not as a Republican or Democrat, or as a supporter or detractor. Not from the left or the right, but from the middle.

               I am writing to you as a fellow Middle Child.

               As the founder of the International Middle Child Union, I have made it my mission to advocate for Middle Child rights, help find a cure for the dreaded Middle Child Syndrome, and reverse negative Middle Child stereotypes. But I have to be honest with you, Mr. President -- you’re not making my job any easier. I mean, I get it with the whole seeking attention thing -- believe me. I started a Middle Child union, for god sakes! Any Middle Child worth their salt understands the constant need to be in the limelight. But you’re getting attention 24/7 now. When I was elected Vice President of my middle school Student Council, that satisfied my need for attention until, like, high school. You’re the leader of the free friggin’ world!! People stand when you come into a room. They salute you. You even get your own song. That should be enough attention to last a lifetime. Your non-stop attention grabbing is making it even harder for the rest of us to get any, so maybe you can dial it back a notch?

               Also, you’re certainly not the first Middle Child who’s felt the need to strike back as hard as you can at anyone who you perceive is trying to disrespect or embarrass you. One time when my older brother humiliated me in front of a group of his friends, I kicked him as hard as I could in his nuts. Sure, that shut him up for a while, but it’s nothing I’m proud of, and it certainly wasn’t a sustainable solution. Neither are your Twitter tantrums and name calling and lashing out at people who disagree with you. You’re on the world stage, not on my driveway playing basketball with my brothers friends. I respectively suggest you take a more dignified, diplomatic approach. Ball bashing is not the answer. I’m sure my brother agrees with me.

               Finally, please stop worrying so much about TV ratings or how many people voted for you or how big the crowd was at your inauguration. When I was in seventh grade, a classmate had his Bar Mitzvah on the same day as mine. Do you think I cared if more people went to his party than mine? You bet your ass I did!! But I was 13 years old. You’re 70! When people see how much that kind of stuff still bothers you, it just reinforces the image of the insecure, overly sensitive Middle Child. You have to set an example, and show them we’re better than that, even if we’re really not.

               I know you’re not a big fan of constructive criticism, but I hope you will take these comments to heart. Future generations of Middle Children are counting on it.
                                                             Bruce Hopman
                                                             Founder, International Middle Child Union

P.S. I see you’re busy signing a lot of executive orders lately. How about one acknowledging Middle Child’s Day? (It’s August 12, FYI.) Think about it. Thanks.

Reports of huge turnout for my classmate's Bar Mitzvah party were overrated. Fake news. Sad.
From my vantage point, there were at least 8,000 people at my party.

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