Tuesday, February 13, 2024

New Middle Child Super Bowl Conspiracy Uncovered!

          I’m sure you’ve all heard by now about the latest Super Bowl conspiracy theory where Taylor Swift is part of a left wing plot to sway the 2024 election. Or maybe you’re aware of the Super Bowl logo color conspiracy theory. But after last night’s thrilling (or scripted depending on how much of a conspiracy theorist you are) 25-22 overtime win by the Kansas City Chiefs, I have uncovered a far more sinister scheme that’s gone unnoticed for at least the past two decades!
          Analyzing the game through the distorted lens of a Middle Child, I’ll admit I wasn’t shocked to watch a first born QB, the Chiefs' Patrick Mahomes, defeat a Middle Child QB, the San Francisco 49ersBrock Purdy. I mean, the Middle Child always gets the short end of the stick, right? (And I’ll put aside for the moment any discussion of the incredible irony of Purdy earning the title “Mr. Irrelevant” for being the last player chosen in the draft. What could be more Middle Child-ish than that?)
          But then I dug a little deeper. It turns out the winning QB of last year's Super Bowl, also Mahomes, defeated yet another Middle Child QB -- Jalen Hurts of the Philadelphia Eagles
          Hmm? That’s interesting. Could there be a pattern here? I had to go back to Super Bowl LIV (2020) to find the next Middle Child QB to play in the big game, and wouldn’t you know it – Middle Child QB Jimmy Garoppolo of the 49er’s lost to, you guessed it – that Middle Child beating Mahomes.
          That's right: three Middle Child QB’s have played in the last five Super Bowls, and they've come out on the losing end every single time! This can’t be a coincidence!! So I went back and analyzed the results and birth order of the QB’s in the last 20 Super Bowls. Yes, I have a lot of time on my hands. The results are shocking!
          Over the course of the last 20 Super Bowls, there have only been two times a Middle Child QB was victorious against a non-Middler!1 There were two other times MidKid QB’s were actually facing each other, so a Middle Child had to win.2 But that doesn’t count! Beating up on each other doesn’t mean as much. I mean, getting the ring is nice. And all that money. And the attention. I wouldn’t mind all that attention. But still, nothing could be better than a Middle Child actually stealing the spotlight from a first born or last born on the biggest stage for a change. 
          Clearly, the NFL does not agree. 
1. Aaron Rogers over Ben Roethlisberger, SB XLV (2011); Peyton Manning over Rex Grossman, SB XLI (2007)
2. Peyton Manning over Cam Newton, SB 50 (2016); Russell Wilson over Peyton Manning, SB XLVIII (2014)
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Middle Children need to be heard!